


kayak race no jutsu

by esmeraldablazingsky



Category: Naruto
Genre: Akatsuki - Freeform, Bombs, Crack, Fluff, Gen, Humor, blame my friend for telling me konan and pain are the mom and dad, everything is terrible when u join a criminal organization, kayaks, rated teen for hidan, they have a kayak race hahahah, they're all dorks don't be fooled, they're on vacation again, tobi getting blasted into the fucken sky
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-26
Updated: 2017-08-26
Packaged: 2018-12-20 00:09:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11909109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/esmeraldablazingsky/pseuds/esmeraldablazingsky
Summary: (I'm going to regret this later, aren't I.)The members of the notorious criminal organization Akatsuki go on a 'vacation,' but can they last even a single day trip without killing each other? Probably not. Who put them on this trip anyway?!





	1. Kayak Race

"What does it say?" demanded Hidan, leaning over Deidara's shoulder.

"Stop that," snapped Deidara, shoving Hidan away. "It says 'we are going on a trip, so it's vacation time for you all. We have some activities planned for you. Have fun and try not to kill each other. See you kids soon. Love, mom and dad.'"

There was silence for a brief second as the message sunk in.

"That can't be what it says," said Sasori flatly. Deidara glared at him.

"Well, you're welcome to read it yourself," he said, insulted. Sasori took the note and looked it over, then handed it back without a word.

"What are the instructions?" asked Kisame.

"They're, umm..." said Deidara, flipping the paper over to look on the back. "It says that all of us are going to this river place to, uh, have fun."

"Sounds pretty fucking suspicious," muttered Hidan. Kakuzu grunted in agreement.

"Did they really sign it 'mom and dad?'" asked Itachi, and Deidara glared daggers at him.

"Yes," said Sasori.

"That's insulting," said Kisame mildly. Itachi nodded.

"Well, nothing for it," he sighed. "Deidara, would you mind leading us to the destination?"

"Yes," muttered Deidara under his breath. "No," he said, more loudly.

"Ooh! Can Tobi come?!" came a high-pitched squeal from nearby. Deidara groaned.

"Dammit, we were THIS close to leaving him behind!" he said. "Ugh, fine."

\---

By the time they reached the river, some members of the group were already at each other's throats, both literally and figuratively. By Itachi's count, Deidara had tried to strangle Tobi four times and was close to a fifth, Kakuzu had threatened Hidan with several amputations and a beheading, and several members of the Akatsuki had gotten perilously close to being stung by Sasori's scorpion tail.

All in all, not the worst it could have been. At least it wasn't the spiders again.

Itachi shuddered. He didn't want to remember that unfortunate outing. Maybe this was an opportunity for a redo.

"Look, boats!" called Deidara suddenly, pointing to a row of two-man kayaks resting on the shoreline.

"What the fuck do we do in those?" asked Hidan, annoyed.

"Have a race, obviously," said Deidara, grinning. "You're on, cult boy."

Itachi sighed. This wasn't going to turn out well.

"Prepare to get beaten!" shouted Kisame. At least he seemed to be having fun.

The most powerful criminal organization in the world piled into the kayaks with varying degrees of enthusiasm.

"Can Tobi go with Deidara-senpai?" asked Tobi.

"No," said Deidara flatly. "I'm going with Sasori. Get your own boat."

"GET FUCKING REKT, DEIDARA," yelled Hidan, waving a paddle at the artists' boat. Deidara stuck out his tongue, and Hidan flipped him off in return. Kakuzu rolled his eyes, but picked up a paddle and helped Hidan push their kayak into the water.

"This is ridiculous," deadpanned Sasori, clearly way too invested in the competition for his own good and his emotionless image.

Itachi climbed gingerly into his and Kisame's boat, frowning as it rocked slightly under his weight.

"Don't worry, we've got this," whispered Kisame, grinning. Itachi nodded.

"Tobi, get your leg out of my boat!" yelled Deidara, startling both of them. "Tell you what, you get to start the race."

"Does that mean Tobi wins?"

"...Sure, fine," said Deidara. "Whatever. Just wait for everyone to get ready."

The three eligible teams lined their kayaks up by what they determined to be the 'starting line,' and Tobi cleared his throat loudly.

The tension in the air was so thick you could cut it with a kunai, and Kisame and Itachi shared a knowing look as everyone shifted into place.

"GO!!" screamed Tobi, and all hell broke loose.

The clay wings of one of Deidara's birds propelled his boat forwards through the water as Sasori's arms spun at high speeds in a way that looked profoundly uncomfortable. Hidan swore at the top of his lungs as he fought to catch up with a maniacally laughing Deidara, but none of them were prepared to be hit with a wall of water as Kisame and Itachi's boat crashed forwards on the crest of a wave.

"Hey!" yelled Deidara. "Now, that's just not fair!" Sasori's arms split into two more arms and they gained speed, but not enough to avoid being passed by Hidan and Kakuzu now that they'd added the rowing capabilities of Kakuzu's mask beasts.

"Take that!" shouted Hidan as he raced past Deidara, who growled in frustration and reached into his bag.

"Don't," said Sasori.

"Don't tell me what to do," retorted Deidara, tossing a clay fish into the water behind them.

A moment later, the water rippled and exploded into a twenty-foot geyser that launched Deidara and Sasori's kayak past Hidan's and into the near vicinity of Itachi and Kisame's, which was still speeding ahead under the power of Kisame's water-style jutsu.

"Haha!" whooped Deidara, tossing another fish in. To his surprise, the blast was muffled, barely causing a boost in speed, and he turned to glare at Kisame, who grinned, baring pointed teeth. His boat shot forward again and a wave crashed over Deidara, Sasori, and presumably Hidan and Kakuzu, judging by the sudden storm of curses and invocations of Jashin's name.

Sasori grimaced and summoned several puppets to help row their kayak, pushing them farther ahead of the furious Zombie Combo.

"Oh no, you don't," said a voice from somewhere within the thick fog that had suddenly gathered over the river, and a blast of fire came roaring through the mist, forcing Deidara and Sasori to make an abrupt turn to avoid getting barbecued by Itachi.

Suddenly, the fog cleared and Hidan screamed in frustration. Itachi and Kisame stood on the shore of the river next to their kayak, Itachi with his normal blank expression on and Kisame with a wide, shark-like grin.

"Oh, Deidara-senpai, looks like Itachi and Kisame beat you," said Tobi in a mock-sympathetic voice, appearing out of the trees, and Deidara gritted his teeth.

"Fuck you!" yelled Hidan from within the mist as Deidara surreptitiously slipped another clay minnow into the water. It swam towards shore, reaching it just as Tobi put a foot in the water.

"Katsu!" shouted Deidara, and savored the sound of Tobi's screams as he sailed over the trees.

"How does it feel to be in second place?" asked Kisame.

"I don't know," said Deidara sulkily. "Uchiha bastard."

There was a storm of cursing from behind them, and Deidara smirked.

"At least we're not last," he said.

"Fair enough," said Itachi.

\---

Once they had gotten back to headquarters, everybody but Kisame was well and truly beat. Deidara glared jealously at the shark man in question, who somehow had enough energy to carry Itachi all the way back to the base with one arm. Showoff.

"I'm getting something to eat," announced Hidan, heading straight for the fridge that Deidara had always despised for not fitting with the decor.

"Wait a second," said Deidara, stepping forwards to take a closer look at the fridge. There was a piece of paper stuck to it, and Deidara ripped it off with a growing sense of dread.

"What is that?" asked Sasori.

"It says 'hello kids. We hope you enjoyed your outing. Our travels have been extended. We have prepared another activity-'" here Hidan interrupted Deidara by swearing loudly, only to be shushed by Kakuzu putting him in a headlock.

"Go on," said Kakuzu over the sound of Hidan choking. Deidara gave him a slightly alarmed glance, but continued.

"'-that we hope will be suitable. Love, mom and dad.'" He checked the back of the note, and pulled a bundle of tickets from where they had been taped to the paper.

"They're tickets to a spa in the nearby town," said Deidara.

"Oh, dear," said Itachi.

"Here we go again," said Kisame.

Hidan swore.


	2. later...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> after credits scene :3

\---

"This is nicer than the last activity," observed Itachi, leaning back in the hot spring.

"Hmm," agreed Deidara reluctantly, submerged up to his chin in the water. He frowned suddenly, licking his lips and turning to glare at Hidan.

"You'd better not be getting blood in the water," Deidara snapped.

Tuning out the ensuing argument, Itachi glanced around for his partner. Sasori and Kakuzu were refusing to get wet, Hidan and Deidara had just started a splash war, nobody had seen Zetsu for a week, and Tobi was giggling to himself as he paddled about in the water, but Kisame...

Itachi forced himself to keep a straight face as he finally caught sight of Kisame, his Sharingan pinpointing a flash of blue in the water. A moment later, both Deidara and Hidan screamed as Kisame exploded out of the water near them, drenching them both.

"SHARK ATTACK!!"

-end

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANKS for reading bye im tired

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed this more than they did, hahah >_>
> 
> comments are much appreciated!! have a nice day or night or whatever <3
> 
> (also itachi's reference to spiders is about a fic someone wrote based on one of mine so)
> 
> (also also, there's an "after credits scene" if u wanna see it in case u didn't realize this is more than 1 chapter since i never add chapters lmaooo)


End file.
